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This is my intro. Can I have some evaluations?
I need some unbiased opinions on this beginning. It's rough, but please be blunt
Thanks
I don't know what possessed me to join them.
And what convinced me to leave them.
They said I betrayed them. That we were now "brothers," and that I'd breached the brotherhood confidentiality agreement.
As brothers, we respected our ties.
As brothers, our blood flowed like a stream; no rocks to falter the trickle.
As brothers, we did not destroy one another due to disrespect or betrayal.
The brotherhood did not eliminate their betrayer, but their deepest emotion. The emotion that lurked in the sunken pits of the heart and toyed with the mind. The one that thrived off insanity and yearned for misfortune.
The brotherhood eliminated the one thing that kept humans alive.
Love.
Best Answer
I agree that it sounds like a poem, but I like it a lot. I think it has character.
A few things that I'd like to point out (not to be rude, just trying to help :D) are a few errors.
This one, that's already been pointed out..
"I don't know what possessed me to join them.
OR what possessed me to leave them."
Also..
''They said I betrayed them. that we were now 'brothers,' and that I'd breached the brotherhood confidentiality agreement.''
I would take out the "now" because it seems to me that they're kind of disowning him from the brotherhood agreement. Maybe "no longer" or something along those lines would fit better.
Past that, I think it's pretty fantastic.
As you're saying it's an intro, I'm guessing it's a prologue? I like the poetic feel about it. It's original, and a breath of fresh air.
Good luck!
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